The past week with my birthday has been overwhelming with the amount of people that have reached out. On Thursday one of my good friends called and said what are you doing this weekend. Well I’ve been blowing off my friends for a little while now while dealing with my situation. The utter embarrassment of not feeling I can tell them what is going on is something that sits on my mind daily. The fact that I’m so open on this blog with people I don’t really know compared to being so closed with the people that I’ve known for years. It kind of came to a head this weekend.
Well I can’t say they don’t know something is up. People I used to see on an almost weekly basis has turned into haven’t seen them in a couple months. My excuses for last night just weren’t going to work. I had to get together with them whether I wanted to or not. What comes when I get there is over the top. I thought we were just going to go with myself and three pretty close friends. We got there and more and more people kept showing up. It ended up being close to 20 people. While I had a good time, with that many people I really didn’t have a choice. The whole time things were running through my mind of what I once had, how I was able to enjoy life. Putting up the appearance that all is well when in reality I don’t really want to be there. I keep thinking am I letting my pride get the best of me? I probably am, but the burning desire to have something going to turn things around before I say anything drives me too. I just feel that I’m living two lives. The one that I have to portray with my friends and with people I’m interacting with while looking for permanent work and the one where I can be open and honest with what is going on and what I’m trying to do to improve the situation.
These are the types of things that go through my head on a daily basis. I hope that eventually I can achieve a balance in my head and be comfortable with it. At this point it is something that eats at me every day.
So I may as well use this to start promoting myself. If anyone has any computer problems they need solved feel free to leave a comment here,
dm @chihomelessguy on twitter or
message on Facebook Chi Homelessguy. I guarantee the work and if you aren’t satisfied when I’m done you don’t pay. I’m also willing to work for much less than I should charge because of the circumstances I am in. Do you have an old laptop you aren’t using? I’ll barter my services for it.
If anyone reading this finds it in their heart they would like to help me, it can be done by http://www.gofundme.com/58fd60